Post by ALI on Jan 24, 2011 22:59:59 GMT -8
*sigh* I write these a lot, just to get my feelings out of me and to somewhere else but I think I'll post this one. Heh, Tears has already read through a few of these on different sites, but...yeah, I dunno.
Well...recently, I tried to convince my mom that getting a lip piercing wouldn't be so bad and so we ended up getting into this whole discussion of why it is or isn't Christian to get a lip piercing. In the end, my mom told me the only reason I wanted a lip piercing was because I wanted the attention it would give me. I cried in silence the rest of the way home.
As the night went on, I continued to cry at home (it didn't help no one knew I was crying and my dad kept pestering me to practice my instruments) to the point where I went into the bathroom to wipe away my tears. However, I probably found the worst thing I could have found in my state of mind. Razors. Angry with my mom and crying my heart out while trying to muffle the sounds (it hurt, trust me) I decided I might as well cut myself. I took out a razor, put it to my wrist and almost cut myself.
Almost.
Thankfully, I'm too chicken to actually do it. And, yes, I've tried the same thing many times before, but nothings cut, no one bleeds, but I do get little pink marks on my skin from almost doing it. I ended up texting what I think are my new two best friends. My senior friend Lauren, who talked me out of it and my ex boyfriend Ryan who helped me realize why it was bad. Both of them used to cut, but from entirely different reasons. Now, they're the closest thing to me...
But recently, I was dragged on a ski trip (most of you remember that, I complained about it a lot). Again, me and my mom were caught in an argument of why I didn't trust her (think back to the previous conversation where she called me an attention seeker) and, to make her feel bad about herself, I told her because of things she says and does and makes me do, I've tried to cut myself (actually, there are more reasons). She didn't really care much about it. She just asked if I did do it and I hadn't so I said no. Then, we covered a few more topics and now I realized how messed up she is.
In our "discussion" she didn't care I had lost a dear friend of mine to cancer back in november. Hell, she even told me she wouldn't cry for her PARENTS if they died, but she cried over the fact she missed our old pastor (who we moved from due to my dads military job). I've learned now I don't want to tell her anything again.
Then, today, I was suffering from a feeling of lonliness. I felt forgotten, replaced and unneeded because everytime I tried to talk with others, they'd say a thing or two back then run off to their friends. Since I take anti depressants for migraines, I'm on the look out for any real depression symptoms. I looked up minor depression today and starting to think I might have minor depression, but I've also been told I "over react" so I'm thinking I just might be a spoiled little girl that over reacts over things just to go cut herself. I'd rather have something be wrong with me than find out I'm the type of person that annoys me the most.
Thanks for letting me ramble on
--Ali
Well...recently, I tried to convince my mom that getting a lip piercing wouldn't be so bad and so we ended up getting into this whole discussion of why it is or isn't Christian to get a lip piercing. In the end, my mom told me the only reason I wanted a lip piercing was because I wanted the attention it would give me. I cried in silence the rest of the way home.
As the night went on, I continued to cry at home (it didn't help no one knew I was crying and my dad kept pestering me to practice my instruments) to the point where I went into the bathroom to wipe away my tears. However, I probably found the worst thing I could have found in my state of mind. Razors. Angry with my mom and crying my heart out while trying to muffle the sounds (it hurt, trust me) I decided I might as well cut myself. I took out a razor, put it to my wrist and almost cut myself.
Almost.
Thankfully, I'm too chicken to actually do it. And, yes, I've tried the same thing many times before, but nothings cut, no one bleeds, but I do get little pink marks on my skin from almost doing it. I ended up texting what I think are my new two best friends. My senior friend Lauren, who talked me out of it and my ex boyfriend Ryan who helped me realize why it was bad. Both of them used to cut, but from entirely different reasons. Now, they're the closest thing to me...
But recently, I was dragged on a ski trip (most of you remember that, I complained about it a lot). Again, me and my mom were caught in an argument of why I didn't trust her (think back to the previous conversation where she called me an attention seeker) and, to make her feel bad about herself, I told her because of things she says and does and makes me do, I've tried to cut myself (actually, there are more reasons). She didn't really care much about it. She just asked if I did do it and I hadn't so I said no. Then, we covered a few more topics and now I realized how messed up she is.
In our "discussion" she didn't care I had lost a dear friend of mine to cancer back in november. Hell, she even told me she wouldn't cry for her PARENTS if they died, but she cried over the fact she missed our old pastor (who we moved from due to my dads military job). I've learned now I don't want to tell her anything again.
Then, today, I was suffering from a feeling of lonliness. I felt forgotten, replaced and unneeded because everytime I tried to talk with others, they'd say a thing or two back then run off to their friends. Since I take anti depressants for migraines, I'm on the look out for any real depression symptoms. I looked up minor depression today and starting to think I might have minor depression, but I've also been told I "over react" so I'm thinking I just might be a spoiled little girl that over reacts over things just to go cut herself. I'd rather have something be wrong with me than find out I'm the type of person that annoys me the most.
Thanks for letting me ramble on
--Ali
